


Overbloom

by beetovan



Series: to grow a garden for you [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Pining, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Sick Character, Sorry 2 the one and only man ever lee haechan I feel so bad, Unrequited Love, boom era, sad haechan, supportive hyungs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:02:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24123301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beetovan/pseuds/beetovan
Summary: Maybe that's why he’s selfish enough to fall in love three times, all at once. And maybe it’s as his grandfather says. He's too much for others. Which is why not a single one of those loves is returned.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin
Series: to grow a garden for you [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1552324
Comments: 27
Kudos: 216





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm continuing on with my hanahaki!au collection! It's ambiguously connected to my first fic but it won't be necessary to read the first to understand this one. I'm in love with the Dreamie '00 liner dynamic so I'm definitely putting them through the wringer here, but what great love story doesn't start with hardship? Comments and kudos are always appreciated <3

Donghyuk learns from a young age that he’s considered too much for others. He’s a measly five years old, peddling his chubby legs around his family’s living room. The summer heat encroaches on the space even with the windows thrown open and the jeju breeze blowing through. His hair sticks up in wild curls from his sweaty palms pushing it off of his damp face. Donghyuk is a child of the sun, though, and the oppressive humidity doesn’t dampen his energy. 

“Mom,” he whines, throwing himself into the center of the room and army crawling his way towards the kitchen. He can hear her and his grandmother bickering over the vegetables. “Mom, you said i could show you the song we’re learning in class.” His teacher had even told Donghyuk he could hold the microphone, so his voice would guide the other students in his class. It’s a lofty task to place on a kindergartner and he wants his mother to know just how special her son is. 

He parts his lip to holler for her again when his grandfather stops him. 

“Donghyuk-ah, leave your mother alone.” His voice is gruff and leaves no room for nonsense from where he speaks on the couch. His polo is starting to stick in wet patches to his chest and his hair looks flatter than usual. The heat leaves no room for delicacy. 

“Child, you need to learn when to be quiet,” he continues. Mollified, Donghyuk pushes himself from the floor and pouts. It doesn’t seem to have the effect on his grandfather that it does on his mother and grandmother. “Your spirit is too large for the rest of us. Give your poor mother a break before she goes crazy.” 

At five, Donghyuk doesn’t quite understand what his grandfather is telling him. How could he possibly be too much for others? He’s just the right amount, one entire Lee Donghyuk. It’s all he is born to be. 

But maybe it’s his curse? Bold and bright, too large for life. It allows him to stand on impossible stages, to face the expectations of thousands. It’s why five year old Donghyuk is given the microphone during his class’ performance, and it’s why he debuts twice in one year in the newest boy group of one of Korea’s biggest idol companies when he’s still in high school. 

Maybe that's why he’s selfish enough to fall in love three times, all at once. And maybe it’s as his grandfather says. He's too much for others. Which is why not a single one of those loves is returned. 

***

It’s surreal, how it happens. One enormous revelation. It’s past midnight, and the members of dream who have all reached adulthood are just finishing up dance practice for their too long-awaited comeback. The feeling roars through Donghyuk, even as he’s slumped against the mirror drenched in sweat and panting. This is their last comeback all together, the six of them. And Donghyuk  _ knows  _ this one is special. The loss of Mark is always prominent, but Donghyuk  _ loves  _ their song. It’s mature and fun and the dance is complicated and everyone shines. 

“Hyuk-ah, water,” Jaemin whines, and he’s dropping his head into Donghyuk's lap. His new hair  _ should _ look ridiculous. A steely gray with the bangs dyed a deep blue? Especially now, with the shaggy length of it tied into a little ponytail on top of his head. But Jaemin is so painfully handsome, and the odd hairstyle suits him in a way Donghyuk would have never expected if you told him Jaemin’s concept for their comeback would be a sexy bowl of blueberry yoghurt. 

“Yes, baby,” Donghyuk teases. 

His bottle is already open and half-emptied in his palm, so he brings it over Jaemin’s resting face. The other boy parts his lips eagerly, snorting out a laugh as Donghyuk unceremoniously dumps the bottle and water splashes onto his flushed cheeks and chin more than it reaches his mouth. But the stream steadies and Jaemin gulps gratefully, eyes lidded with exhaustion. It makes Donghyuk’s heart pick back up from where it’s settled after the music had turned off. He doesn’t even notice he’s lost control of the bottle until Jaemin is making aborted choking sounds and abruptly sitting up, cheeks bulging with excess water. Donghyuk quickly sets down the now empty water bottle and frets.

“Ah, sorry sorry.” He dabs carefully at the water threatening to spill from the seam of Jaemin’s furrowed mouth. But jaemin’s eyes crinkle in amusement and he carefully swallows the water in his cheeks. 

“Hyuk-ah, be more careful,” he warns in that fake strict voice he loves to use on Jisung. A thin arm wraps around Haechan’s shoulders and chest, and he’s being pulled back against another lean body. 

“No waterboarding your teammates,” Renjun adds with a smirk in his tone. Donghyuk is still too hot from their hours of dancing so he whines, trying to pull away from the furnace attached to his back. But Renjun is stronger than he looks, and he keeps Donghyuk pinned to him with ease. 

“I’m being so kind to Minnie and this is how you treat me? should i let him die of thirst? i could never be that cruel Junnie.” There’s a whine in Donghyuk’s voice, just edging on cutesy to get what he wants. That, of course, is utter disgust to cross every member’s face in the room. 

“You’re the devil with an angel’s face,” Renjun counters. He shuffles a bit until his back is against the mirror instead and maneuvers Donghyuk more comfortably against his front. Renjun isn’t normally this outwardly affectionate so Donghyuk takes what he can get, slumping into Renjun’s narrow frame and letting their thighs knock together as his legs fall apart. Renjun hooks his arms around Donghyuk’s waist and drums his palms against Donghyuk’s stomach with a satisfied hum. 

“Baby belly,” he coos, and Jaemin laughs. It’s then that Jeno joins them. He folds his legs gracefully under him as he sits at Jaemin’s side, his hands busy tugging off his hat and running his hand through his freshly-bleached hair. The undercut is mouth-watering. 

“My abs are waiting for me back in my room,” Donghyuk sings. “They were just too heavy to bring to dance practice.”

Renjun snorts and pinches Donghyuk’s stomach through his shirt. Donghyuk yelps and startles, wriggling out of Renjun’s hold. Jeno is quick to catch him before he falls flat on his front. He rights Donghyuk with a grin, guiding him back until he’s seated in between Jaemin and Renjun nearly exactly where he’d originally been before his bandmates started harassing him. 

“Stop bullying Hyuk,” Jeno says placatingly. He sits back at Jaemin’s side and throws an arm around his shoulders, but the smile on his face stays fixed on Donghyuk. 

“Finally a man with sensibilities,” Donghyuk sniffs. Jaemin leans into Jeno’s side and snorts, but doesn’t say anything. Renjun fixes him with a hard glare. 

“It’s getting late,” Jeno cuts in before Renjun can start bickering with Donghyuk. When he stands he holds his hands out to both Jaemin and Donghyuk, his arms flexing as he pulls them to their feet. Renjun finds his own way, gracefully rocking up to a standing position from where his legs were sprawled in front of him. Jeno tosses his arm around Jaemin’s waist and his eyes find Renjun’s. There’s a shy smile shared, and Donghyuk’s stomach lurches. It’s not the time to be thinking of himself as the odd man out. He yawns dramatically, stretching his arms over his head and slumping into Jaemin’s side. Jeno’s fingers poke at his ribs when they collide, and Donghyuk is gifted with two crescent eyes as he whines and flinches into the mirror. 

“Everybody, butts in gear,” Jeno commands, trying to mask the teasing in his voice with something stern. Donghyuk whines but complies, stumbling over to his stuff strewn in the corner of the room. He gathers his things quickly, zipping up his thin fall jacket and slinging his backpack over his shoulders. When he turns, the other three haven’t moved much.

Jaemin has one hand combing through the long hairs at the nape of Renjun’s neck, pink settled high on his cheeks but confidence dripping from his smirk. Renjun has a palm on Jeno’s chest, speaking with him lowly as Jeno’s eyes glow with affection, nodding distractedly along to everything Renjun says. What a pretty tangle, the three of them make. The ever steady Jaemin and Jeno, two unwavering oaks bringing a fluttering bird into their fold. Renjun shines in his shyness, with the way his eyes cut from their intense gazes but can’t help the pleased curl of his lips at the couple’s attention. It’s a love story of the ages, and Donghyuk gets to watch as a passive observer. 

There’s a selfish thought that washes over Donghyuk in that moment. He pictures himself there, tangled with them instead of hovering across the room. He can almost see himself curled around Renjun’s back, chin propped on his narrow shoulder. It’d be his hair Jaemin’s fingers would find themselves lost in, and they'd share a mischievous grin aimed at each other while Renjun and Jeno spoke softly. Renjun would lean into him, fitting together like a hand in a glove with their similar size. Jeno’s attention would be focused on Renjun, because he’s a polite boy. But every so often, when Donghyuk would distract Renjun with a kiss to his honeyed skin, Jeno would direct that fond gaze towards  _ him _ . His hands would twitch like he wanted to gather all of them into his capable arms, but couldn’t in the situation. So he’d rock into Jaemin’s weight, smile prettily at the other two, and be glad it was four instead of three. All of them slotting together. 

It’s in this moment that it all comes violently crashing down on Donghyuk. One beautiful, disorientingly tragic catastrophe. He is in love with all three of them. Somewhere along this crazy journey, his selfish heart has chosen these three impossible boys.

The realization hits him so viscerally he wobbles, dropping to his knees with the excuse of collecting his bag. His hands shake as he pulls the straps over his shoulders. He’s still shellshocked, watching as the trio finally pull away from each other’s gravitational pulls to get their own things. Donghyuk averts his eyes, cheeks flaming in fear that they’ll be able to take one look at his face and see right through him. So he ducks his head and heads over to the door. 

“I’m gonna grab water before we go,” he calls out as normally as possible. His voice is steady, if not a little urgent. 

He doesn’t grab a water. Donghyuk hurries over to the van waiting for them in the front of the building, he hustles over to the passenger seat, and when he slides in he shoots their manager a wide grin. 

“I won shotgun,” he sings as he digs through his backpack. Donghyuk pulls out his headphones and turns his attention to his phone. He doesn’t react when the doors open behind him and the other three shuffle inside. It’s only when a hand brushes his shoulder does he turn around. Jeno is leaning forward, arm propped over the back of the seat and his chin propped steady. 

“You okay?” He asked carefully. “You kind of booked it out of there.” 

“Didn’t you tell us to get our butts in gear?” Donghyuk counters with a challenging lilt and a grin. Jeno, for once, doesn’t fall for it.

“Did you overwork yourself?” He continues, pressing the back of his hand to Donghyuk’s forehead. The proximity of his face and the gentle touch has Donghyuk jerking back, eyes wide. 

“No!” He snaps defensively, a bit too loud for the quiet car ride. Now Jaemin and Renjun are looking at him from where they’re slumped into each other, disturbed from their attempts to nap on the short trip back to the dorms. 

“Donghyuk,” Jeno warns, his voice deep and serious. It’s so clear why Mark trusted Jeno with the pseudo-leader title for the group after he had left. Jeno’s so good at reading them and is unafraid of confrontation. Stupid taurus and his bullheaded integrity. 

“I’m hungry and cranky,” he defends. Jeno huffs and leans back in his seat, mumbling a quick  _ “fine” _ . 

There’s another tap on his shoulder, and when he turns around with a glare Jaemin levels an unimpressed frown back and pushes a tiny pack of chips into his arm.

“C’mon cranky,” he encourages, and their manager keeps his eyes dutifully on the road rather than the exchange of forbidden snack as Donghyuk takes the packet. 

“Thank you,” he murmurs, guilt swelling inside him. Jaemin squeezes his shoulder and settles back into Renjun’s side, cheek squishing against Renjun’s dark hair.

They part ways once they reach the dorm. The other three have the Dream room to return to, and Donghyuk is still staying in the new and improved 127 room. Jeno looks reluctant to part as he eyes Donghyuk. It must be killing him inside to leave this weird, unresolved tension from Donghyuk’s strange behavior. But what Donghyuk needs right now is space. Space to breathe, reevaluate, maybe even mourn the hopeless situation his foolish heart has dragged him into. The sight of those three stunning faces is just too much for him right now. 

“Goodnight,” he murmurs, giving a halfhearted wave before stepping out of the elevator. The dorm is near silent when he steps in. He knows Mark and Taeyong are most likely still at the SM building preparing for their new debut, but the others are free from any impending schedule. He assumes they’re all tucked into bed at this hour, enjoying some quiet time to themselves. It’s something Donghyuk himself is craving. 

He must still be in a state of shock, because as he gets ready for bed it passes as a blur. Johnny gives him a distracted ‘hello’ from his bed as Donghyuk enters, but his nose is too buried in a book to give the youngest any real attention. It allows Donghyuk to drift listlessly, gathering his pajamas and holing himself up in the bathroom to shower and get ready for bed. 

It’s only after he tucks himself into his bed, Johnny flicking off his bedside light to bathe the room in darkness does Donghyuk really think of his revelation. How could he not have realized how deep his affections for the other three have become? It’s like he’s the main hero of a drama, suddenly waking up to the fact that years of friendship have developed into an insatiable love. Or maybe he’s the tragic second male lead, the one who plays opposite the main male. The one that always, without fail, loses the race to capture the main character’s heart.

Donghyuk is not a doe-eyed newbie anymore. He is too hardened to pull the covers over his face and weep pitifully and silently into the cotton quilt smothering his face. But the hopelessness that floods him in the dark reduces him to a childlike grief. He bites at the comforter to muffle his hitching cries, his face itchy with fat, hot tears. The rejection welling inside him feels like every bad monthly evaluation, like getting passed up on for solos, like the hurtful comments about his skin and weight. But somehow it’s  _ worse _ , because this is a rejection of his own will. 

Donghyuk holds his breath as he hears a rustle. There’s the obvious sound of bare feet on the wood, and Donghyuk screws his eyes shut and hopes to look asleep. No use. The edge of his blanket lifts and a giant body joins him in bed. Johnny doesn’t say a word, just flops onto his side and rubs soothing little circles against Donghyuk’s chest, right over his aching heart. 

Donghyuk turns his back to Johnny but sinks into his familiar weight. Donghyuk falls asleep with a swollen face and a sharp pain in his chest. 

When Donghyuk wakes the next day, it’s to a lonely bed and a mountain of flowers spilling from his mouth. 

***

The petals don’t get better. They don’t lighten up after the first morning. It’s not like those stupid k-dramas his mother watches where a girl will subtly cough a handful of soft-looking pink petals into her delicate palm every time her beloved shares a smile with another girl. 

For one, there is an obscene amount of flowers already. Days later and he’s slipping to the bathroom every hour, choking into a trash bag for minutes on end as clumps and clumps of flowers spill out. And they aren’t just one simple little petal. The expulsion of his lungs is a beautiful bouquet of yellow, white, and pink. The first morning he coughed them up, he’d carefully plucked one of each and brought them into his room.

There are sites for identifying petals. They can often reveal the strongest feeling towards the one who doesn’t return your love. The pink aren’t roses like he had thought, but a camellia, representing a longing love. The yellow are carnations, symbolizing rejection. And the white belong to a gardenia, representing a secret love. It describes the three of them perfectly. A secret, a longing that will never bear any reciprocation. 

It’s pathetic, and it’s hopeless, so the weekend the marks four days after the petals first appear Donghyuk approaches his manager. 

“I need to go to the hospital,” he mutters, eyes gazing around in hopes not to arise suspicion from his elder band members. 

“Your cough?” The manager asks right away. Donghyuk has not been subtle with his illness, he can’t be when it’s this severe. Donghyuk grimaces and nods. 

“I don’t think simple medicine is going to fix this, and I don’t want it to affect the dream comeback,” he explains. The manager nods grimly.

“I can take you, let me just tell Taeyong.” 

Donghyuk inwardly groans, but he knows there’s no helping it. With their dorm manager gone, Taeyong will be in charge. And as their leader, he’s meant to be informed of any arising problems. Problems he can’t solve, but the weight of which are pressed against his shoulders regardless.

They find Taeyong in the living room with Johnny and Taeil. Taeyong has his songwriting notebook and Johnny had his laptop open with his video editing software open to what looks like another Doyoung cover for Youtube. Taeil just sits contently in the corner of the couch where the morning light warms directly like a content cat. 

“Taeyong-ah,” the manager calls. All three pairs of eyes snap to them. “Haechan and I are going to the hospital to get his cough checked out. I’ll text you to let you know when we’ll be back.”

Taeyong’s eyebrows immediately furrow with concern. He looks like he wants to go, but he knows his duty lies in the dorm. Johnny carefully closes his laptop and stretches. 

“I’ll come keep Hyukie company,” he offers casually. He and Taeyong share a significant glance and Taeyong’s face morphs into relief. 

“That’s fine. I have some work to do at the office anyway so I’ll get you guys settled and come pick you up once Haechan gets his medicine,” the manager agrees. 

The three of them quickly leave the dorm with waves from the two in the living room, and Donghyuk’s stomach sinks. He knows the solution isn’t as simple as everyone must be thinking. It’s not a common cold, but the surgery is actually fairly tame. Two weeks of bed rest and he could bounce right back with how early he’s going in. Easy enough. 

The drive to the hospital is silent. The three of them enter together, and the manager is able to throw the company’s weight around to get Donghyuk a private room and a doctor right away. Once Donghyuk is settled with Johnny sitting like a guard dog in the corner, the manager grins.

“Alright, this shouldn’t take more than an hour. Call me if you need me.” With that, he slips out of the room. 

The doctor enters not long after that. He seems to be around Donghyuk’s parents’ age, with kind wrinkles around his eyes and a tinge of grey in his styled hair. 

“Mr. Lee, i’ve been informed you’ve had a cough for the past few days. I’m sure it’s nothing we can’t fix.”

The doctor’s eyes cut to Johnny. “Would you like some privacy for the examination?” 

Donghyuk turns to Johnny as well, but he can see Johnny already nodding. 

“I saw a cafe in the entrance when we were coming in so I can go hangout there.” Donghyuk sends him a grateful look as he leaves. As soon as the exam room door closes the doctor comes over to Donghyuk. 

“So a cough, hm?” He slides the earpieces of his stethoscope into place and presses the cool metal to the center of Donghyuk’s chest. At his gentle instruction to breathe deeply Donghyuk does, though the air quickly catches in his throat and he lets out a wheezy cough. The doctor’s eyebrows furrow but he just instructs Donghyuk to keep breathing as his stethoscope roams Donghyuk’s chest and back. It goes on for less than a minute before he’s pulling away. 

“Mr. Lee, I think we both know what you’re here for,” the man says, not unkindly. Donghyuk nods, so the doctor continues. “How long have you been sick?”

“Less than a week,” Donghyuk answers. “I think tuesday or wednesday.”

The professional smile on the doctor’s face falters. 

“Are you sure? That’s very sudden.”

Donghyuk shrugs. “I know, it got really bad really fast. I just want to get the surgery as soon as possible so I don’t have to worry about this anymore. I’ve got my work to focus on.”

That puzzled look only deepens on the doctor’s face, and it makes Donghyuk’s heart jump with anxiety. It’s not a look you want to see on someone who knows more about your body than you do. 

“I’d like to do some scans to see what’s going on in your lungs before we can schedule you for surgery. Luckily for you the top hanahaki specialist in Seoul practices out of our hospital so you’re in the best possible hands. We’ll just see what we’re working with and then decide on treatment.” 

Sounds easy enough. 

For the next hour Donghyuk is wheeled around different labs, having his torso scanned and captured for what appears to be a team of doctors looking over the results now, instead of just the one. Once they’ve gotten all they need from him they send Donghyuk back up to his room and a nurse fetches Johnny. 

“Dude, are they running every test under the sun on you?” Johnny asks as he settles into the armchair next to Donghyuk’s bed. “I thought they’d just prescribe you an antibiotic and some rest and send you on your way.”

Donghyuk hums absentmindedly. 

“I don’t think it’s that simple.” 

Johnny’s eyebrows shoot up in concern and suddenly he looks much more invested. 

“Oh man, that sucks. Do you think you’re gonna have to stay here longer?” Again, Donghyuk can’t do more but shrug. 

He doesn’t know how long he’s going to stay in the hospital. He’s researched the average recovery times for the surgery of course, as well as the risks. It’s easier and quicker the earlier you catch it, so Donghyuk had been hopeful when he stepped into the hospital today. The grim look on the medical staff’s face throughout the process makes Donghyuk think he'd been too naive. 

For all Donghyuk knows it’s too late. One day he realizes he’s in love, and the next he’s letting out a final death rattle. 

_ Your spirit is too large for the rest of us,  _ his grandfather had said. Maybe it’s too large even for himself to handle.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s pity dripping from the eyes of every person Donghyuk looks at in this tiny room. These doctors all know, know what he’s inflicted with and know why he has no hope. They can’t operate because Donghyuk is stupid enough to fall in love three times over, and not have a single one of those people return his affection. Donghyuk is dying because he is unlovable in the most humiliating way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay in updating! I'm sure everyone in the world has been feeling the craziness of the times, and I haven't really had time to sit down and write until recently. But a new chapter is finally here, and a little stability in my life, so I expect there won't be such a long gap between chapters from here on out. Thank you for reading!

The doctors don’t look happy when they enter Donghyuk’s room. He’s accustomed to seeing disappointment on the faces of adults, frustration. But he’s not used to seeing hopelessness. It has Donghyuk sitting up in the comfort of his V.I.P. hospital bed, and has Johnny stirring awake from where he’s been napping in his visitor armchair. Donghyuk’s initial doctor is with them, but there’s another taking point, a younger woman with her hair pulled back in a serious ponytail and grimness in the subtle wrinkles around her eyes. Behind the pair of them is a small army of whitecoat claden strangers, all watching with that same vacant apathy. Donghyuk’s original doctor clears his throat and steps forward.

“Mr. Lee, this is Dr. Hong. She’s the leading researcher on all respiratory illnesses in all of Korea. She’s been kind enough to look at your case, and we’ve come to an agreement.”

At the introduction, Dr. Hong steps forward. Her eyes cut to Johnny, where he’s looking more and more interested in his chair, and then back to Donghyuk. He hopes the warning in his eyes is enough for her to keep whatever explanation she has general. He doesn’t need his bandmates worrying about his condition. His unreciprocated love is embarrassing enough, he doesn’t need his elder band members knowing about his condition. But he feels like he can trust her, at the subtle tilt of her chin she gives. 

“Mr. Lee, when you and your doctor spoke earlier you discussed the particular infection you’re dealing with currently,” she begins. Smart woman, she knows to keep it general. Donghyuk nods encouragingly. 

“Your infection isn’t exactly common, but it’s one that has been well researched over the years. The normal course of treatment is a mild surgery that has incredible success rates. Especially when it is caught as early as we’ve caught your illness.”

Yes, Donghyuk knows about all of this. He’s not an idiot, that’s why he’s come in now before it’s hopeless. He nods again, but Dr. Hong’s mouth twists uncomfortably.

“Mr. Lee, normally this particular surgery for your illness has a 98.2% success rate. It is a very easy surgery when caught early. However, there are some complications that arise. In some very rare cases we’ve seen throughout history, some patients have caught… two different strains of this infection. Two different agents acting against the system. These cases are incredibly rare, but they complicate the issue. We’ve only seen a handful of these particular cases in Korea over the past few decades, and the success rate of those cases drops to under 15%.”

Donghyuk tenses in his bed. His eyes cut to Johnny’s, and he can see the worry start to stiffen the curled lines of Johnny’s mouth. When a doctor starts explaining things like this, it’s never a good sign. And Donghyuk knows his case doesn’t end at two.

“Mr. Lee… Your case is something we’ve never seen before. Three unique strains of your infection, all coexisting at once. The risks that come with operating… There’s no way we can proceed with the usual treatment. If we even put you under anesthesia we run the risk of putting too much strain on your respiratory system and killing you before we even begin opening the chest cavity. I’m sorry, Mr. Lee, but the normal path of treatment isn’t possible for you. Your case is equivalent to a person who’s denied treatment for years, and at that point in the illness we look for end of life care.” 

There’s pity dripping from the eyes of every person Donghyuk looks at in this tiny room. These doctors all know, know what he’s inflicted with and know why he has no hope. They can’t operate because Donghyuk is stupid enough to fall in love three times over, and not have a single one of those people return his affection. Donghyuk is dying because he is unlovable in the most humiliating way. 

“Hold on a second, I’m sorry,” Johnny cuts in, his voice tense and serious. He looks angry, but angry in a way that’s hiding fear. Like a little boy pretending to be strong. He stands from his seat at Donghyuk’s side and runs a frustrated hand through his hair. 

“What are you talking about, end of life care? Donghyuk is twenty years old. He was fine last week. He came in here with a cough, and now you’re talking about there being nothing you can do?” 

“Sir, I know it’s difficult to comprehend. We can have counselors from the hospital come in to prepare Mr. Lee and his family. Being told someone at this age is terminal is something no one can be ready for, and we understand that. But sir, there truly is nothing the hospital can do. Nothing any doctor can do. We advise you to do your best to support the patient in this time of confusion and heartbreak.” 

Dr. Hong at least looks genuinely torn up about what she has to say. Her eyes cut between Johnny and Donghyuk, obviously appraising how young they are, how well-groomed they are as idols. That they’re people with future and expectations, not people who are handed death sentences. 

Donghyuk’s original doctor steps forward.

“In some cases with this disease we see that… the body um… it can fight it on its own. Fight the infection. Often it happens in the early stages of the infection and never when it develops this severely, but Mr. Lee’s case is completely unique. The best we can do for him is see if he can stabilize on his own. But the most likely case in this situation is that Mr. Lee succumbs to his infection, and we want you to be prepared. Based on the data, Mr. Lee only has three weeks left. We want to spend that time preparing Mr. Lee and his family for his passing. And he will need his friends by his side through all of this.”

There’s still that vacant, frustrated look on Johnny’s face. 

“No, no. There’s no possible way Donghyuk is that bad. He was in the practice room for ten hours straight last week. This kid is healthier than I am. You guys must have your folders mixed up or something, because what you’re saying is crazy. Hyuk just has a cough, and you’re talking about talking to his parents and preparing for- for the worst. That’s not us.” 

"Sir-”

“Johnny.” 

Every eye in the room turns towards Donghyuk, but he’s only looking at his bandmate. There’s almost a manic glint in his eyes, one dripping with denial. Donghyuk reaches his hand out and Johnny grasps it desperately. 

Donghyuk feels hollow. He threads his fingers with Johnny’s and turns towards the doctors.

“I have three weeks,” he states. “Three weeks where my body could fight off this infection. There’s nothing the hospital can do for me during that time.”

“We can offer you a mild pain medication and respiratory suppressor to ease the symptoms,” Dr. Hong corrects. 

“Great. But that doesn’t mean I have to be stuck in a hospital bed for most of it, right? I’d like to go back to the dorms until it becomes necessary for me to be in the hospital. If this thing can go away on its own it’ll do it where I’m comfortable. And if it doesn’t work you can bring me back in here to where you can look over me. Before then, I don’t want you to contact my parents. I don’t want to worry them until it’s the worst case scenario.” 

“Of course, Mr. Lee. The hospital wants you to be as comfortable as possible. If you feel like that place is at your dorm, then that is the place you should be,” Dr. Hong agrees. Donghyuk is sure it’s because his only course of treatment now is to be loved or fall out of love. That isn’t going to happen in a hospital bed, that’s going to happen where his life exists. 

“Then I think we’re done here,” Donghyuk says firmly. 

“We’ll speak to your manager about any preparations you’ll need. We’re very sorry, Mr. Lee. We wish there was something more we could do.”

With that, there’s a flurry of white as the crowd of doctors leave him to his grief. Or, well, the cool numbness that settles over him. 

“Hyuk, what the fuck,” Johnny grits out. He’s still gripping Donghyuk’s hand tightly, and his eyes are shiny. When he blinks the tears spill down his cheeks, and Johnny looks startled at that. Like his brain hasn’t caught up with what his body is feeling. Donghyuk understands completely. 

“You’ve gotta help me tell them all hyung,” Donghyuk whispers. His voice sounds so, so far away. Like Donghyuk is buried so deep inside of himself that the outside world is the mouth of the well, and Donghyuk is alone in the very bottom. Sitting in a shallow puddle of cold, stagnant water. He shivers. 

“How am I supposed to do that Donghyuk? What am I supposed to tell them? Those doctors are crazy, I don’t know what they’re talking about. Fuck, this is ridiculous.”

“Johnny. You know what to say. You  _ know  _ what’s going on. Don’t make me say it out loud, because I can’t handle that right now. So you need to be my older brother here, okay?” Donghyuk pleads. There’s that nigging of panic starting to well in the back of his mind, causing his lungs to flutter with uncertainty. This is all his fault, so he doesn’t deserve to freak out about this. 

“God, you’re right. You’re right Hyuk, I’m sorry.” Johnny takes a deep, shaky breath and sits back in the visitor chair. His long body bows over until he’s got the back of Donghyuk’s hand pressed to his forehead. He can hear the hitching in Johnny’s breath as he fights back tears. Donghyuk screws his own eyes shut. 

“It’s not your fault, hyung. None of this is anyone’s fault.” The lie is flat on his tongue. Of course Donghyuk knows who’s to blame, but Johnny doesn’t need to hear that. It’s not like he’d believe Donghyuk anyway, that the fault lies on him and him alone.

The hospital room door opens once again and their shell-shocked manager stands, eyes glazed. 

“We’re ready to go back to the dorm, now,” the manager intones. Johnny sniffles and sits up, helping Donghyuk onto his feet. Johnny doesn’t go far once Donghyuk is standing. He lopes his arms around Donghyuk’s shoulders and pulls him tight to his side. Johnny’s body is warm, so Donghyuk curls into it, resting his head against Johnny’s shoulder. The walk to the car is silent, aside from the manager’s phone buzzing constantly. The man doesn’t look at it though, just unlocks the car and slides into the driver’s seat. Donghyuk is nearly forced into the middle seat by Johnny as the older member curls around Donghyuk, pressing his face into Donghyuk’s hair. He can feel it growing damp, and can hear Johnny’s staccato sniffles, but he stays silent. Curls his hands into Johnny’s t-shirt. Tries not to feel so numb, so empty. 

They reach the dorm in a haze, and then it feels like a funeral march. Donghyuk’s still ice-numb, so disconnected from everything happening around him. It’s like he’s a doll being carted around with gentle hands. The door opens, Johnny ushers him inside, and Taeyong’s doe eyes are on them in a second. 

“That took a long time,” Taeyong chides, bounding over to them with frantic worry. His eyes bounce from Donghyuk’s face, to the tears on Johnny’s cheeks, to their shell-shocked manager. 

“Taeyong-ah, come with me for a moment,” their manager intones. He doesn’t give Taeyong a moment to protest, just grabs his arm and carefully herds him away to the kitchen. Johnny leads them over to the couch to sit down. 

There’s life going on around them in the dorm. Music playing from speakers behind a closed door, the muffled sounds of a conversation, a shower running gently. There’s so much going on, and here he and Johnny sit in their shared reality. Johnny clings to Donghyuk like he’s a stuffed animal, bundling him in his arms and hiding his face where he can. 

There’s a distressed wail that breaks through the usual din of the apartment, and then Taeyong is stumbling into the living room. The truth is etched deep on his face, unadulterated horror. He looks at Johnny, and Donghyuk, and he knows what he’s been told is true. 

Taeyong falls to his knees in front of Donghyuk and clutches at Donghyuk’s calves. he bows until his forehead presses against Donghyuk’s knees and he cries out again. 

“Donghyuk please, please, it’s not true. Tell me it’s not true. Hyuk-ah, it’s not. Not you, not our baby. Donghyuk  _ please _ .” 

The anguish in Taeyong’s voice has Donghyuk’s heart twisting uncomfortably. It’s another push at his subconscious, that this is something he has to deal with. His fingers clench at his sides. 

“Taeyong,” Johnny whispers. He untangles from Donghyuk’s side enough to tug at Taeyong, but Taeyong resists, shaking his head where he’s bent over. 

“Johnny we  _ can’t _ , we can’t do this without him. He’s our baby, this isn’t  _ fair _ .” 

It seems that Taeyong’s outbursts have drawn attention. A few heads peak into the living room, but it’s Mark’s eyes that Donghyuk catches.

And that’s when the dam breaks.

Because Mark has been at Donghyuk’s side since the beginning. From training to debuting over and over, seeing countries Donghyuk has never dreamed of visiting and standing in front of crowds together. Mark is the person Donghyuk is supposed to walk with until the end. But he’s getting left behind. And it’s all his fault. 

“Mark,” Donghyuk pleads, eyes finally welling with tears of his own. It’s like water has been splashed over him, and he’s  _ drowning  _ in it. God, this is real, isn’t it? Not something he can just power through and avoid.

Three weeks. He was fine earlier this week, and now he won’t see the end of the month. 

“What-” Mark blinks in confusion over the sight in front of him. “What’s going on?” 

Jaehyun joins Mark, looking just as weary at the three of them. Doyoung hovers by the entrance. 

“Johnny, you tell them. You promised me,” Donghyuk says desperately. 

“I will, hold on.” Johnny sits up and unwinds his tight grip from around Donghyuk to pull at Taeyong’s thin arm. “Come up here Yongie, you gotta help me out too.”

There’s a deep shudder that runs down the curled hunch of Taeyong’s spine, but after a moment he sits up. He immediately takes the side unoccupied by Johnny and curls around Donghyuk’s arm. Pressed between his two oldest members, Donghyuk feels some of the pressure lessen from his chest. 

Johnny shoots a look over at Taeyong, but the shell shocked look on his face is clearly a sign he’s not going to help explain things. So Johnny takes a breath. 

“So we went to the doctor, and they ran a few tests on Hyuk. They had this um, lung doctor come in to talk to us about what’s going on with him. She said that the infection Hyuk has right now is usually easily treatable, but he’s got multiple strains of the infection so they can’t really do anything about it.” 

“So they’re doing nothing?” Jaehyun asks, arms crossed over his chest and eyebrows pinched in a serious furrow. 

“They gave us some medicine to help with his cough and pain but no, they’re not gonna be able to cure him.” 

“So is he going to have to go on hiatus?” Mark pipes in, eyes wide and flickering between the grim faces gathered on the couch. 

“He’s not coming back,” Taeyong whispers. His arms are so thin but so strong, tightening like a vice around Donghyuk, like he can keep him here by sheer force alone.

“What?” Mark looks to Donghyuk almost accusingly, chock and confusion written all over his features. 

“Hard to sing when you’re dead,” Donghyuk mutters bitterly. Taeyong lets out a strangled noise. 

“Are you joking? Donghyuk, that’s not funny,” Mark snaps. 

“Sorry Mark, no jokes here. Doc gave me three weeks.” He flashes three fingers for emphasis, a bitter smile on his face. His tears feel too hot on his cheeks. 

There’s a stunned silence that fills the room. He can see the stages of processing flicker across the faces of his bandmates. Confusion, denial, questioning, hesitant acceptance. It’s such a mind-boggling idea, someone like Lee Donghyuk gone from the world so soon, like a candle harshly blown out. 

The first to move is Doyoung. 

“Johnny, is your laptop in your room?” He demands. Johnny hesitantly nods, and Doyoung turns on his heel and disappears further into their dorm. Jaehyun stands frozen, his face complete stone. Mark still looks angry, eyes restless as he searches for any trace of joking. 

Doyoung storms back into the room with Johnny’s laptop already open as he settles at their table. 

“Johnny, I need you to help me translate. We’re gonna find Hyuk a doctor who actually knows what they’re doing, so I think we should look for specialists in America. Maybe Canada? Just- anyone who’s not going to give up.” 

There’s too much hope in Doyoung’s voice. Too much determination. He can see the levity blooming on Johnny and Taeyong’s face, feel their grips around him loosen. 

“Sure, yeah. That’s a good idea. We should get a second opinion.” Johnny stands and joins Doyoung’s hunched figure at the table. Taeyong strokes his hand down Donghyuk’s back. At least they all don’t look so miserable anymore. 

“I’m going to lay down,” Donghyuk mutters. When he stands Taeyong catches his hand, running his thumb along Donghyuk’s knuckles. 

“It’s going to be okay Hyukie, no matter what. We’re gonna make it okay,” Taeyong promises. 

“Sure thing hyung,” Donghyuk replies robotically. “Mark, can you come with me for a bit?” 

Mark nods and trails after Donghyuk as he exits the living room. When Donghyuk looks over his shoulder he sees both Jaehyun and Taeyong have joined Johnny and Doyoung in their miracle doctor hunt, all of them speaking in hushed voices. 

When they enter Donghyuk and Johnny’s room Donghyuk immediately deflates. It feels like there are weights shackled to all of his limbs, tugging him towards the floor and promising to keep him there, if he lets them take him down. 

“Come sit with me,” Donghyuk sighs as he settles at the edge of his bed. Mark joins him, that lost lamb look still on his face. “The hyungs aren’t going to be able to find anyone to help me.”

There, straight to the point. Donghyuk needs at least  _ one  _ person on his side,  _ one  _ person to understand. And that’s always been Mark. It will always be Mark. 

“You can’t know that Hyuk,” Mark shoots back immediately. Always so optimistic. 

“I do, because I know what I’m sick with, and I know the only cure is impossible. So they shouldn’t get their hopes up. I can’t let my hopes get up.” 

Mark’s brows twist in confusion. “What do you mean? That’s just what one doctor said, maybe she’s wrong. Maybe they have some experimental treatment out there somewhere. You can’t just give up so easily.” 

Donghyuk leans forward, reaching under the bed. His hand brushes a plastic bag and he pulls it out. It’s from a shopping trip he did with Jaemin and Jisung last week that he’d been too lazy to throw out. It had been the perfect receptacle for when a coughing fit struck him in the morning and he knew Johnny could be coming back to the room any moment. He opens the bag and there a thin layer of dried, shriveling petals lay. He peels three of them free and holds them out to Mark. Yellow, white, and pink. His hopeless love. 

“Secret, longing, and rejected love. My Jeno, Jaemin, and Renjun. So caught up in each other they’ll never look at me.” He smiles bitterly. “I just started coughing up petals this week, and it’s already reached the end stage. It’s just like me to overdo things, right?” 

“Fuck, Donghyuk, why didn’t you say anything?” Mark’s hands come to clasp Donghyuk’s outreaching one between his own, hiding the petals from sight. “You have to tell them Hyuk.” 

“What difference would it make? They can’t force themselves to fall in love with me. They’ll just feel guilty if-” he stutters. “when I die. It’s unfair to them.” 

“Hyukie… They care about you. You know they do. Maybe all they need is… a push in the right direction? I think we should do everything we can to try to help. I’m sure they’d rather feel guilty and at least try to save you than just let you go without knowing they played a part in it.” 

“I don’t want love born from pity,” Donghyuk snaps. “I’ll have an easier time falling out of love than making them love me.”

With a groan of frustration Donghyuk throws his upper body back on the bed, bringing one of his pillows to his face. 

“Maybe I should ask Chenle to send me his blackmail folder. Enough ugly pictures should have me healthy in no time.” 

Mark rips the pillow off of Donghyuk’s face and whacks him in the chest with it. Donghyuk yelps and sits up, glaring at him. 

“Hey! I’m dying, you’re not allowed to hit me.” 

“I will when you’re  _ letting  _ yourself die. Look, Hyuk, I won’t tell them if you don’t want me to. But I’m still gonna be on your side in this, and on their side too. I think we can get this to work.” Mark looks so earnest as he speaks, with that same kind of determination shining in his eyes that the older members had huddled around Johnny’s computer. 

“Are you going to try to play matchmaker Mark Lee?” Donghyuk snorts. “You’re not very subtle, hyung, sorry. They’re gonna know you’re up to something.”

“Who cares, Hyuk! We’re on a timeline here, and there’s too much at stake! I’m going to do everything I can even if it embarrasses you or whatever,” Mark snaps. “Stop being such an asshole about this. I can’t ever know what you’re going through right now, but we’re hurting too. We love you, and we don’t want to lose you. We won’t. So let us try to help, even if you’ve accepted everything or whatever.” 

Donghyuk feels anger well in him, but before he can retort Mark’s phone rings. He groans and tugs it out of his pocket. 

“It’s the Dream manager,” he grumbles. He answers the call with a polite greeting, and his expression is serious as he listens to whatever their manager is saying on the other side. 

“So you want me there? Do you want Hyuk? Okay, I’m with him now so I’ll let him know. Yeah, I can talk to him. I’ll need a ride from the 127 dorm. Alright, see you soon. Thank you.”

Mark lets out a heavy sigh and stands from the bed.

“You’re going to the Dream dorm and I’m going to the main building,” Mark says in that leader tone he always slips into after talking to the manager. Donghyuk snorts. 

“Am I now?”

“They’re bringing the Dreamies in to talk about your… situation. They want me there for support, and they don’t want you there to cause you anymore distress today or whatever. But the kids are gonna wanna talk to you after so yes, you’re going to the Dream dorm.” 

They really do move fast, don’t they? He didn’t expect to have to confront  _ all  _ of his bandmates today. Maybe he could fake passing out to avoid that conversation for another day. 

“I’m glad you’re going to be there for them,” Donghyuk says softly. “It’s always less scary when you’re there.”

Mark looks startled, then he softens, those big puppy eyes going round.

“I’ll always be there Hyuk, you know that. For them and for you.” He pulls Donghyuk to his feet and wraps him in a rare, tight hug. Donghyuk feels a lump forming in his throat again as he throws his arms around Mark, hiding his face in his shoulder. Bony and reliable as always. 

“I know. Thank you.” He forces himself to pull away and takes a deep breath.

“Okay, I’ll go to the Dream dorm to brace for the worst. Good luck with the meeting Mark.”

Mark’s lips press together tensely and he nods. When he returns, Donghyuk is going to have to look into the eyes of those three and try not to feel unjustly betrayed. Abandoned. Heartbroken. He can’t put that on their shoulders, not on top of the grief he’s causing. Donghyuk’s going to have to be strong for them all. 

So why does he feel so, so weak?


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of your kind messages both in the past and recently! I hope you enjoy this next chapter <3

Donghyuk should be used to waiting, at this stage of his life. Half of their promotional periods are spent sitting around in green rooms trying to get as many naps as possible before they have to go on stage or go in for an interview. It’s boring but easy, and while Donghyuk usually spends the time entertaining himself by being a nuisance to his group members, he also knows how to slip into that blissful state of blankness, where he can unfocus his eyes on the wall across from him and let the time slip by him easily. But the time seems to crawl now. Each second marches by loudly, making sure Donghyuk is keeping count of the thumping tempo of each minute. All he can do is think about what’s going on in that room. He wonders if the board members have had time to put together one of those slide shows they love, detailing the new comeback schedule they’ll jump into after an appropriately timed mourning period. He wonders how they’ll divide his lines. Maybe he should make them plaster his face over the cover of the album in tribute to his memory. 

Before he can spiral any deeper into his little self-pity party, he sees the front door open. There’s a solemn silence as the members filter in. They don’t see him at first, tucked in the very corner of their sofa, so he takes the time to watch them as they slip off their shoes and jackets. They look miserable, obviously. Jisung’s nose is constantly twitching with sniffles, and there’s fresh tears staining his cheeks. No one else seems to be actively crying, but there are still signs of it on their faces. The swollen eyes, the tight lips, the pale faces. 

“Rough day?” Donghyuk calls, trying to diffuse some of the tension cloying the air. Six heads whip to face him. 

It’s Renjun who reacts first. His face crumples, a strangled little noise getting trapped somewhere in his throat. He crosses into the living room in strides his shorter legs should not be able to achieve and throws himself at Donghyuk. It knocks the breath out of Donghyuk and sends him into a fit of wheezy coughs, but he clamps down on his bottom lip with his teeth to keep the petals at bay and hugs Renjun just as fiercely. Donghyuk’s entire chest throbs with guilt and regret at the sound of Renjun’s distress. 

“Gentle, Renjun,” Mark’s worried voice cuts through. Donghyuk looks up and shakes his head, his hands rubbing small circles into the small of Renjun’s back. 

“It’s okay,” he says, though he doesn’t know if it’s towards Mark or Renjun. Maybe it’s towards them all. 

“No it’s not idiot, how could you say that?” Renjun protests, bringing his little fists against Haechan’s arm. There’s a frown on his face, and his eyes are wet and shiny. He’s so pretty like this, even in his sadness. Donghyuk can’t help but reach up and run his fingers through Renjun’s hair. 

“It’s going to have to be okay, whether you like it or not,” Donghyuk counters as the others begin to settle around him. Jisung wriggles his way between the arm of the chair and Donghyuk’s body, his spindly fingers wrapping around Donghyuk’s wrist. Mark occupies the other side of the couch, though it seems it’s more to keep Donghyuk from being smothered on all sides rather than adding onto the pile of limbs. 

“How are you feeling?” Jeno asks gently. He and Jaemin hover in their own little orbit, with Jeno back-hugging Jaemin into his sturdy chest. The bitter jealousy that flairs inside Donghyuk has him clearing his throat. 

“Fine, I guess. They gave me medicine so it should be kicking in soon. I’m not gonna drop dead anytime soon.” His tone is too cruel even to his own ears. Renjun glares at him and smacks his arm with a stinging whack. 

“That’s the last morbid joke you get,” he warns. His tone is chastising but there’s so much melancholic affection dripping in his gaze. He reaches up to press his palms to Donghyuk’s cheeks. “Whatever you need Hyuk, we’re here. Whatever makes this as painless as possible.”

Donghyuk swallows, eyes stinging. He really, really loves him. 

“I just want things to be as normal as possible,” he admits softly. “I know it’s hard, and everyone’s sad and wants to coddle me, but that’s just gonna remind me over and over again that there’s something wrong with me. I don’t want whatever time I have left to be miserable.” 

He reaches over and pinches Jisung’s cheeks, smiling softly. Their youngest gives a small sniffle and rewards Donghyuk with a crooked little smile. 

“That’s the spirit,” Donghyuk hums, running his knuckles gently along the dampness of Jisung’s cheek. Jisung leans into the touch surprisingly, causing Donghyuk to snort. “Cute, baby.”

“Do you want to lay down Hyuk? It’s been a long day,” Mark prompts. Maybe it’s the stress throbbing at his temples, but the sound of closing his eyes and slipping into unconsciousness has never sounded more pleasant. 

“Yeah, wake me up for dinner. I need a nap.” He pats Renjun’s waist, and the smaller male slides off of his lap. He doesn’t go far though, instead holding his hand out to Donghyuk and helping him to his feet. Renjun laces their fingers together.

“Can I lay down with you?” Renjun asks in a small voice. How can Donghyuk refuse such a sweet offer? He nods, gives a little wave to the rest of their members, and lets Renjun drag him back to Donghyuk’s room. Once the door is closed and they’re in their own private bubble, Donghyuk can see the heaviness settle significantly into Renjun’s limbs. He looks even more tired than Donghyuk himself. 

“Do you want to borrow some clothes?” Donghyuk asks, already moving to grab himself sweatpants. After an affirmative noise from Renjun, Donghyuk adds another pair to his arms and passes it over. They change with their backs turned to each other, and when Donghyuk finishes he climbs under the covers. Renjun isn’t far behind. He sits up against the headboard, moving Donghyuk’s head into his lap. Donghyuk’s breathing stutters, and he forces himself to take slow, deep inhales. Renjun starts petting through his hair. 

“Is it Mark?” Renjun asks. His voice is so hollow. “Is he the one you’re in love with?”

Donghyuk tenses immediately. He moves to sit up but Renjun’s hand pushes at his shoulder, keeping him down. Donghyuk sighs and settles back onto Renjun’s thigh. 

“Who says I’m in love with anyone?” Donghyuk mutters. Renjun flicks his ear. 

“I’m not an idiot Donhyuk, there’s only one lung disease that requires surgery and that they’d keep discrete. If it was cancer or something we would know. But if It’s hanahaki then… That’s more private isn’t it?” 

“Ah Renjunie, you have to learn how to turn that brain of yours off sometimes,” Donghyuk sighs. After a beat, he continues. “What does it matter who I’m in love with anyway? It’s not going to help anything.” 

“That’s not true and you know it,” Renjun counters. “If you say something, there’s a chance they could love you back. Or they could reject you, and you could have the closure you need to move on. It didn’t have to get to this point.” 

Donghyuk blinks up at Renjun’s face. He admires how soft his brown hair looks, air dried as it is. His dark eyes are always so fierce and glittering, like a coal smouldering in a fire pit. He aches and aches and aches, and Donghyuk just wants to be selfish. 

“What if it was you, Injunie? The one that I loved? What would you say then?” Donghyuk challenges. That does it. Renjun’s eyes spring wide, his cheeks instantly filling with heat. His mouth opens, then closes, stammering around the words. Knocking Renjun unable to speak leaves Donghyuk with a sick satisfaction. 

“It’s not so easy, is it? It’s too much burden to put on someone. I’d never want to do that to the person I love,” Donghyuk said with a gentler tone. 

“Donghyuk.” Renjun scoots down on the bed until they’re lying face to face. Renjun’s eyes search over Donghyuk’s face, only a few centimeters apart. Donghyuk feels a shiver run down his spine. 

“Oh,” Renjun breathes. “I see.” 

And then he kisses Donghyuk.

The angle is awkward, their noses pressing painfully together. Their lips meet in a parallel press, Renjun’s thicker bottom lip slipping between Haechan’s parted mouth. A startled gasp leaves Haechan’s mouth, and Renjun chases the sound with the pursing of his lips, moving hesitantly against Haechan’s own. Haechan feels like he’s on fire. 

“Hold on, hold on,” Donghyuk pleads, pushing against Renjun’s chest. When they separate Renjun looks despairingly beautiful, his mouth swollen and shiny, his eyes dripping with affection and determination.   
“If it’s me Donghyuk, then I choose you,” Renjun promises. “Aren’t we all half in love with you already?”

Donghyuk’s mind is a jumbled mess of elation and fear. His heart is beating wildly in his chest, but the blossoms in his lung are calm for the first time all week. He can’t tell if it’s because of the medicine or if Renjun means exactly what he says. 

“But Jeno, and Jaemin,” Donghyuk protests. Renjun’s expression flickers, but his mouth sets stubbornly. 

“I choose you. I will always choose you.” 

“But what if I need them to choose me too?” Donghyuk whispers. “What if it’s not just you?”

With that, Renjun looks as if Donghyuk just slapped him. What a tangled mess they’ve gotten themselves into. Donghyuk is clawing his way into their bliss with desperate hands. The line between self-preservation and selfishness has never looked so thin. 

“Us?” Renjun murmurs, dazed. “All of us?” 

“I never did things easily, did I?” Donghyuk replies with a bitter smirk. Renjun sighs, snuggling closer to Donghyuk. He clings to the back of Donghyuk’s t-shirt, nosing at his neck. Donghyuk hooks his leg around Renjun’s own and lets his eyes fall shut. 

“You’re an idiot Lee Donghyuk,” Renjun laughed, flustered. He breathes in the clean scent of Donghyuk’s shirt and scoots closer. 

“We’ll have to make a game plan,” Renjun murmurs. “They both adore you so much, I don’t think it’ll be that hard to convince them.” 

“Hm, so all three of you can pity-date me until I’m no longer at death’s door?” Donghyuk snorts. “I think I used all of my luck up with you, Injunie. Let me just enjoy this.” 

Renjun makes a soft noise, pressing his lips to Donghyuk’s collarbone. It’s getting warm under the blankets, and it makes Donghyuk’s head fuzzy. 

“You’re precious to me, Hyuk. Now take that nap you wanted. I’ll be here.” Renjun finishes his words by flopping onto his back, tugging Haechan into his side. All it takes is a little wiggling and Haechan is curled around Renjun’s torso, hearing his gentle heartbeat under his ear. Haechan can’t keep the fond smile off of his face.

“Hm, I guess you’re right,” he sighs, eyes growing heavy.

“I always am,” Renjun chuckles. He hums a gentle song, the sound resonating in his chest. Haechan falls asleep faster than he’s ever had before.   
***

Donghyuk wakes to the gentle shaking of his shoulders.

“Hyuk, dinner’s ready,” a quiet voice prompts from above. Before Donghyuk can even blink his eyes open he feels his throat tighten and an explosive series of coughs immediately wracks his body. Renjun makes a startled noise and helps guide Donghyuk to a seated position. It’s always like this when he first wakes, his throat dry and his lungs overflowing. He covers his mouth the best he can, but he can feel the petals spilling between his fingers. Renjun’s gentle hand soothes his back as Donghyuk coughs. 

“There you go, you’ve almost got it,” The other comforts. When the fit settles Donghyuk takes greedy, painful breaths. In his hands there’s a clump of pink and white petals, and oddly only a few yellow can be seen scattered throughout. Interesting. 

“I’m okay,” Donghyuk assures, clearing his throat. He pats Renjun’s arm and slips off of the bed, grabbing the shopping bag tucked behind a row of shoes. He carefully stuffs all of the petals inside, making sure to clear off any that fell to the bed as well. The smell of rotting flowers is strong, so Donghyuk is quick to shove it back in its hiding spot. He’ll spray some perfume later to cover the scent. 

“Is it always like that?” Renjun asks. 

“Less than usual,” he answers carefully. With one less bloom to worry about, he can breathe just that much easier. 

“I’m glad,” Renjun smiles, patting Donghyuk’s cheek. “Let’s go eat, you’ll feel even better.”

Renjun helps him to his feet, keeping his thin arm wrapped around Donghyuk’s waist as he helps him stumble into the living room. It’s a shock to see Kun standing in the kitchen with an apron around his waist and assorted cookware scattered on the counters. The other members are helping set their shared table for the meal. Their entrance into the room attracts attention, and immediately Donghyuk is surrounded again.

“Are you better after your nap?” Jaemin asks, making kissy noises as he fusses over Donghyuk. Donghyuk nearly topples backwards at his sudden close appearance but Renjun holds him steady.

“Back off,” Renjun snaps, tugging Donghyuk closer. 

“Stop hogging him,” Jaemin snaps back petulantly as he tugs on Donghyuk’s arms. Donghyuk rolls his eyes and shoves out from between both of them to sit at the table.

“Hi Kun-hyung,” Donghyuk greets. Kun smiles at him with a sad, sweet look. 

“Hi Haechan, how are you feeling?” Kun moves the rest of the food to the table as he asks, bringing him close enough to ruffle Donghyuk’s hair. 

“I’ve been better,” Donghyuk chuckles. “Thirsty. Renjunie?” 

That’s enough to get Renjun and Jaemin scampering into the kitchen in some weird competition to provide for Donghyuk. He could probably get them to hand feed him tonight if he wanted. With the pair distracted, Jeno seats himself next to Donghyuk.

“You look better after laying down,” Jeno comments. He presses the back of his hand to Donghyuk’s forehead, checking for a fever. Donghyuk slumps into the touch.

“Renjun did a good job cheering me up,” he hums. Speaking of, Renjun hurries back to his side, setting a glass of water in front of him with a bright grin.

“Here you go baby, drink up.” 

As Donghyuk takes greedy sips at the cool water, Renjun slides into the seat to the right of Donghyuk. Jaemin shoos Jeno out of the only other spot next to Donghyuk so he can take it for himself, and once again Donghyuk is in a tug-of-war of affection. Jaemin’s mother hen nature is unstoppable, especially now. He pets at Donghyuk’s hair, brushing through the tangles that made themselves known during Donghyuk’s nap. Renjun’s hand grips firmly onto Donghyuk’s thigh to his right, eyeing the display in front of him wearily. Kun sets down the final dish and claps his hands. 

“Okay, dinner’s ready. Help yourself.”

The table fills quickly after that, and the sight of Kun’s home cooking has lifted the mood slightly. Chenle predictably clings to Kun’s side as he feeds the younger boy pork dripping with sauce from his plate. Jisung is quiet as he eats, his hood tugged over his head. Mark and Jeno are chatting softly as they pass side dishes back and forth. 

Predictably, Jaemin and Renjun are both piling food onto Donghyuk’s plate and ignoring their own. Donghyuk sighs and wraps his hand around Renjun’s wrist, stopping it on its path to the kimchi. Renjun turns and blinks owlishly at Donghyuk. 

“Sit. Eat. I’m going to stick to the soup until my throat feels better,” Donghyuk warns. Renjun nods, his cheeks flushing in embarrassment. His eagerness to help is cute, so Donghyuk rewards him by pinching his cheek. 

“Hyukie, say ah,” Jaemin coos, drawing Donghyuk’s attention to his left. Jaemin has a spoon filled with fragrant broth hovering in the ready, and Jaemin meets Donghyuk’s gaze expectantly. Rolling his eyes, Donghyuk leans forward and wraps his lips around the offered utensil. The rush of flavor on his tongue is enough to have him moan, and the warmth soothes all of the dry ache that settled in his respiratory system during his rest. Jaemin looks pleased at Donghyuk’s reaction. 

“Alright, alright, let me eat by myself. You guys are smothering me,” Donghyuk gripes. He swipes the spoon from Jaemin’s hand and tugs his soup bowl closer to him. The next spoonful is nearly just as satisfying, but his throat decides to protest again just as he’s swallowing. He chokes out a cough, covering his mouth to keep the broth from spilling everywhere. Any conversation around the table halts. 

“I’m okay,” he groans, waving them off. The attention is flustering. “I’m not going to keel over after one cough, you guys better get used to the sound. You’re going to be hearing it a lot for the next few weeks.”

And then never again. They’ll have to get a lifetime’s fill now. 

“Is there anything your doctor told you to look out for? In case it’s serious?” Jeno suddenly asks, eyes serious and kind. Donghyuk takes another spoonful before he answers. 

“I think it’s more about persistent difficulty breathing. If it’s shallow, or wheezing, or if my lips turn blue. That’s when they have to get me oxygen or something, so I’d have to go to the hospital. But hopefully that won’t be for a while.” 

“It won’t be,” Renjun insists, fitting his hand in Donghyuk’s. 

“And they gave you medicine, right?” Jeno pressed. 

“Yup,” Donghyuk pops his lips at the ‘p’. “Though I can’t tell if the medicine is making me feel better or-” 

He stops, flushing suddenly at being so candid. He can’t help but look over at Renjun to see if he caught onto the meaning. Renjun is smiling shyly, and he leans over to plant a soft peck against Donghyuk’s lips.

“Cute,” Renjun laughs, and Donghyuk reels back. His face feels like it’s in flames. 

“Oh, what?” Mark squeaks, wide eyes bouncing between Renjun and Donghyuk. The room stills like the eye of a storm. Donghyuk honestly hadn’t expected Renjun to be as bold as that. Is he overcompensating to make Donghyuk feel loved? Is he trying to show off to somehow hook Jeno and Jaemin in? Donghyuk is still lethargic with lingering sleep and the hot broth settling in his stomach. But Renjun doesn’t look startled, only happy. 

“Sorry, but look at his face. Too cute.” Renjun pokes Donghyuk’s cheek and chuckles. 

“Renjun.” Jeno’s voice is stern and worried. His eyes are wide, jaw flexing as he stares at Renjun and Renjun alone. Jaemin’s hand finally leave Donghyuk’s arm. 

“What are you doing? Are you two-” He finally looks at Donghyuk, but only briefly. Only full of suspicion. Donghyuk’s stomach suddenly feels cold and heavy. 

“Yes,” Renjun replies coolly. His hand grabs Donghyuk’s tightly under the table. He’ll always choose Donghyuk, isn’t that right? They’re sure putting that promise to the test soon. 

“Injunie,” Jaemin speaks up softly. He has to lean forward to see around Donghyuk to implore Renjun. “Baby, are you sure that’s a good idea? You’re just going to get hurt in the end.”

He sounds like it pains him to say the words, and Donghyuk gets it. Must be difficult to tell your crush to break up with his dying boyfriend, in front of said dying person. 

“Renjun what are you thinking?” Jeno cuts in. “I know we’re all emotional but we’re supposed to be supporting Hyuk not- not giving him false hope.” 

Renjun scoffs, fingers a vice around Donghyuk’s hand. 

“I know what I’m doing.” Renjun’s voice is icy. “I care about Donghyuk, and I want to be with him. Whatever happens I want him to know he’s loved and whatever time we have together is enough for me. I’m not giving up on him, not when he’s right here. Are you giving up on him so easily?” 

“Junnie, it’s not like that,” Jeno says softly. Jaemin hums in agreement. Donghyuk kind of feels like throwing up all of the soup he’s forced down. 

“You guys are really kicking a guy when he’s down, huh?” Donghyuk scoffs. “You two can go back to chasing after your precious Injunie when I’m gone. What better way to seduce him than when you’re comforting him for losing his young lover? You’ve been flirting with him for this long, what’s a few more weeks?” 

How delusional could Donghyuk be letting Renjun fill his head with fairytales? Even if Renjun cares about him, it’s clear that doesn’t extend to the other two. Their eyes are set solely on Renjun and each other. Donghyuk is just an obstacle to that now. 

At least now Donghyuk can picture how to fall out of love with the two of them. He kind of wants to punch both of them in the face, just a little. Not a lot of love to be felt. Though, love and hate are two sides of a very intense coin.

The dishes rattle as Donghyuk shoves away from the table. Jisung startles so badly he knocks his water all over his own shirt. 

“Thanks for the dinner Kun, but I think I’m going back to the 127 dorm. They’re not counting the days until I croak at least.” 

There’s a clamoring behind him, but Donghyuk pays them no mind as he stalks towards the door. He can feel his lungs starting to tighten with anger and hurt, but he can’t let it out now. Only when he’s hidden away in the bathroom alone can he finally cough up his feelings in peace. He’s so angry he can’t even cry. 

“Donghyuk wait, I’ll come with you.” God bless Mark Lee. Such a knight in shining armor, Mark helps Donghyuk gather his shoes and coat, eyes fixed steadfastly away from the kitchen. Donghyuk can hear the low urgent whispers in Mandarin Kun and Chenle are exchanging. Poor Kun’s sweet gesture has left him with leader duties for a group he’s not even in charge of. Hopefully he can escape back to his own members after Donghyuk leaves. 

“C’mon Hyuk,” Mark urges as he pulls open the front door. There’s a quick pattering of feet and suddenly Renjun is in front of him again. He looks devastated, lips wobbling and eyes shimmering. 

“I’m sorry, I’ll fix this,” he promises. Without even a glance to Mark he steps forward and wraps his arms around Donghyuk’s shoulders, leaning up for a warm and firm kiss. A statement and a promise. Donghyuk squeezes Renjun’s waist and savors every second of it.

“Goodbye beautiful, text me if you need me to beat them up,” Donghyuk murmurs once he pulls away. Renjun snorts and shoves Donghyuk towards the open door. 

No one else tries to stop them as Mark guides him out of the dorm and shuts the door firmly behind him. The older man’s arm stays draped casually around Donghyuk’s shoulders as they walk towards the elevators. 

“Well that was eventful.” Mark sounds like he’s talking about a bad variety show filming and not whatever the hell just happened at their dinner table. 

“How’s your master plan to make them all fall in love with me going?” Donghyuk laughs. 

“You know? Better than I expected. You really moved fast with Renjun, I didn’t even have to do anything.”

That has Donghyuk’s heart fluttering nervously. 

“He kind of figured it all out on himself and just… went for it. I was worried he wasn’t serious about it but when I coughed earlier it was lighter than usual so…” 

Honestly, it still doesn’t feel real to Donghyuk. Maybe it’s a cruel hallucination from his newly medicated brain trying to make him feel better. If only it would conjure him up pretty visions of all three of them showering him in sweet words. Maybe it’s time for his next dose. 

“It doesn’t really matter though. Clearly Renjun is alone in his feelings. So that just buys me some more time, but I’m not magically cured. Jeno and Jaemin were right to be upset, knowing what they know.” 

Because it’s the truth. Even if they have feelings for Renjun, they’re not being malicious trying to warn them against this relationship. They don’t know what Renjun’s feelings do for Donghyuk. All they know is Donghyuk has an expiration date, and any deeper feelings will make it that much harder to grieve him when he’s gone. But Donghyuk can’t listen to their words rationally. He knows, god he knows they don’t mean to hurt him. But it feels like he’s being discarded all to protect Renjun. That they’re picking sides and Donghyuk is on the losing team. 

“But can’t Renjun be enough?” Mark asks gently. “Maybe you’ll see he’s all you really need, and your feelings for the other two will fade.”

It sounds ideal, really. If Renjun already brings him this much happiness, he couldn’t imagine wanting anything more. But all he has to do is think about the honey scent of Jeno’s elegant cologne, or the bambi brush of Jaemin’s eyelashes when he snuggles into Donghyuk’s neck, and then he feels that yearning ache punching him through the chest once again. 

“Maybe,” Donghyuk whispers. He wants to go cuddle with Johnny again. Or maybe have Yuta go to the Dream dorm and scare his little heartbreakers. 

He’s probably just going to spend the rest of the night hunched over the toilet destroying his lungs even further instead. But he can hope. He can hope for a lot of things.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Donghyuck?” 
> 
> Donghyuk tenses in Jaehyun’s hold.
> 
> “Well you’re certainly not Kun.”

Going back to the 127 dorm proved to be the comforting distraction Donghyuk had been hoping for. His sudden appearance had been met with enthusiasm, albeit a little confused. But they’re all more than happy to baby him, letting him make his home in warm laps as they watch some random cooking show in the living room. He’s currently wrapped up in Jaehyun’s solid arms, the older man resting his chin on the top of Donghyuk’s head and murmuring little critiques for Donghyuk’s ears alone as the show drones on. They’re all mashed together in the living room. Yuta’s on the floor in front of Jaehyun and Donghyuk, and he has no qualms about using Donghyuk’s legs as a backrest. His hand is wrapped lazily around Donghyuk’s ankle, and he swings his leg from time to time whenever his boredom with the show grows. 

“Kun said you didn’t eat much of your dinner,” Taeyong murmurs. He’s seated right next to them on the couch, leaning his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder with his hand on Donghyuk’s thigh. 

“‘m not really that hungry,” Donghyuk replies distractedly. Not even the appetizing, television-quality food on the screen can tame the unsettled feeling in his stomach from that night’s events. 

“You should eat a little something, even just some rice. Kun offered to bring some leftovers here before he goes back to his dorm.” 

It’s a tempting offer. Kun’s cooking is as rare as it is delicious if you’re not a part of his team. He’d be a fool to deny Kun’s generosity. Plus he  _ knows  _ he’s just going to feel like crap if he goes to bed without a meal. The pharmacist had warned him multiple times not to take his medication on an empty stomach too, if he didn’t want to add a stomach ulcer to his growing list of health problems. 

“I can try to eat again later,” Donghyuk agrees with a sigh. “You can tell him he can stop by with leftovers. And say thank you to him for me again, if I’m asleep by the time he gets back.” 

His response has a pleased grin curling on Taeyong’s lips. He pats Donghyuk’s thigh happily and snuggles in closer. Jaehyun loosens one arm from around Donghyuk and hooks it around Taeyong’s shoulders to pull him into a messy threeway cuddle. 

Like this, it’s almost too easy to let his eyes flutter shut. The flowers seem to suck the energy right out of Donghyuk’s core. They’re a parasite, it makes sense that they’re leeching every good thing his body has to offer. With the solid press of his older members around him and the comforting drone of the television, Donghyuk fades out into a hazy almost-sleep. He can hear the background hum from the television, the occasional murmur from one of his members, but it’s hard to focus in on anything specific. He just floats like this, his eyes closed and his mind blank and his body warm. 

It’s only when their doorbell rings that Donghyuk stirs. He stretches with a muted grunt, pushing his tight limbs out until he’s bumping against his members from all sides. Jaehyun chuckles and pokes at Donghyuk’s now exposed stomach, earning a whine and even more limb flailing. Taeyong ducks away from the fray just in time to miss Donghyuk’s fist swinging in his direction on the couch.

“That must be Kun,” Taeyong laughs, padding to the front door. Donghyuk blinks his eyes blearily and rolls around in Jaehyun’s grasp until he’s seated upright. Jaehyun’s hands smooth down the back of Donghyuk’s hair as Donghyuk slowly reaches full consciousness. 

“You’re going to sneak hyung some cooking too, right?” Jaehyun jokes as his fingers brush through the tangles on Donghyuk’s head. 

“Stealing food from your poor dongsaeng? How cruel,” Donghucks sniffs. Jaehyun tugs on his ear.

“I’m not Jungwoo, I’m not going to clear you out. Just a bite or two,” he bargains. He hears Jungwoo laugh from his seat in the corner, though he doesn’t look up from his phone. 

“Kun cooks for me at least once a month,” Jungwoo brags. “I get invited to their family meals, remember? You can keep your leftovers.” 

Jaehyun, in a mature fashion, sticks his tongue out in Jungwoo’s direction. Jungwoo returns the gesture in kind. 

“Donghyuck?” 

Donghyuk tenses in Jaehyun’s hold.

“Well you’re certainly not Kun.” Donghyuk’s cold gaze rises to meet a guilty-looking Jaemin standing at their front door. There are bags in his hands, most likely the leftovers promised by Kun. He wonders how difficult it had been to talk Kun into letting Jaemin come in his stead. He probably hates letting arguments fester between members as much as Taeyong does, like the good little leaders they are. 

“I brought your food,” Jaemin says softly. Taeyong hovers around the entrance as well, and the look in his eyes tells Donghyuk that this intervention has a few masterminds behind it. He wonders how Kun explained what happened back at the Dream dorm. Kun has such a conscientious way of speaking, he might have been too kind to the lovely couple when relaying the details to Taeyong. He’d hope Taeyong wouldn’t meddle if he knew the extent of the conflict. But then again, this is all very uncharted territory. 

“Are you expecting a tip?” Donghyuk raises his eyebrows defiantly. Jaemin looks miserable, and Donghyuk hates the little thrill of satisfaction that the other’s discomfort brings him. 

“I just want to talk, Hyukie,” he murmurs. Taeyong unloads the bags from Jaemin’s arms and shoots Donghyuk a pointed look before moving into the kitchen. Jungwoo rises out of his seat and flees the tense atmosphere to chase after Taeyong and their food. 

“You’ve done a lot of talking tonight, Jaeminie,” Donghyuk cooes, overly sweet. “I’m getting sick of your voice.” 

Jaemin’s lips twist stubbornly. 

“Donghyuk, please. You can punch me in the face or whatever when we’re done but I just want to make it right.” Alright, so maybe the pain shining wetly in Jaemin’s eyes doesn’t feel as good as he wishes it would. Maybe if it were Jeno, who gives it as good as he takes, or Mark with his short-temper. But Jaemin’s heart is too soft, there’s too much patience and adoration poured into this one boy. Fights with Jaemin are rare, and even then he’s usually a solid punching bag for the members to lay out their stress on until he’s too weary to take it, retreating into himself. 

There’s also the fact that Donghyuk is mortally in love with Jaemin, so the other’s sadness just feels so  _ wrong _ . He’s defeated once again.

“Alright,” he sighs, pushing off of Jaehyun’s lap. “Johnny if you hear screaming coming from our room please come in and beat Jaemin up for me.” 

“Can do,” Johnny drawls from the floor. His eyes are deceptively passive as he eyes Jaemin lingering near their entranceway. There’s a reason they’re all kind of scared of Johnny, which makes Donghyuk feel infinitely better having him on his side. 

“Let’s go,” he mutters. He hears the gentle pattering of Jaemin’s feet following behind him like a lost duckling as Donghyuk pushes into his room. Donghyuk seats himself at his gaming chair, leaving the bed for Jaemin. He looks so small sitting at the very edge, fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie. In this light he can tell just how much Jaemin has cried since Donghyuk last left him. He wants to sooth his thumbs along the swollen, red bags under Jaemin’s eyes, to catch any lingering tears to keep them from falling. 

“Are you here to try to persuade me again to dump Renjun?” Donghyuk has to break the silence or else they’ll sit here all night. Jaemin winces. 

“No, Hyuk, that’s not what I’m here for.” He sounds too small. Donghyuk scoots his chair closer to the bed. 

“You changed your tune pretty quickly. It’s been what, a few hours since we last spoke? Did Renjun bully some sense into you?” 

Jaemin snorts at that. “You know how Renjun is when he’s upset. He really let Jeno and I know that we’re the most insensitive assholes he’s ever met in his life, and how we have no business staking some sort of claim over him when we were too cowardly to make a move earlier, so now he’s glad he never stooped to dating jerks like us. It was not the most fun conversation I’ve ever had in my life.” 

Donghyuk is so lucky to have his fierce little Renjun in his life. 

“He’ll get over it eventually,” Donghyuk promises. No matter how angry he is with the pair now, you can’t rationalize your feelings. He’s seen the helplessly lovestruck look in Renjun’s eyes as he watched Jeno and Jaemin move through their lives. Upset as he is now, those feelings of love aren’t so easily erased. Donghyuk only proves a temporary distraction, but he’s not going to be here forever.

“He has every right to be mad at us,” Jaemin corrects. “You too. Especially you. I keep thinking back to that moment, over and over, seeing it from your point of view. We’re just- we’re  _ scared  _ Hyukie. I don’t know how to deal with this. I can barely even look at you because I feel like once I start I’ll never want to let you out of my sight ever again. And I’ll just throw myself headfirst into you and let the grief rip me apart piece by piece until there’s nothing left. So I’ve been a coward, pushing it out of my mind as much as possible. Trying not to think about it. It’s like there’s this cliff I’m constantly standing at the edge of, and I can feel it right behind me, like one little step and I’ll be gone. But I’m looking in front of me like nothing’s wrong, like I’m handling it just fine. But then…”

Jaemin takes a deep, shaking breath. His voice is tight and high with emotion, but he’s powering through it the best he can. He’s always so strong, even when so obviously vulnerable. 

“But then Renjun?” Donghyuk guesses. Jaemin nods minutely. 

“But then Renjun dives off that cliff headfirst, when I had been trying my best to ignore it. It’s like he’s not scared, like he’s ready for whatever happens. He can look at you, see the countdown over your head, and he can love you even fiercer. And it made me so  _ scared _ , because how can he be so brave? How can he know what he knows, and be happy to hold your hand and kiss you and make you smile like nothing’s wrong?”

Jaemin shakes his head.

“No, not like nothing’s wrong. Like when the two of you are together, there’s nothing wrong that you can’t overcome. Seeing that just terrified me in a way I don’t know how to deal with.”

“So you’re scared he’s not going to be able to handle it when I’m gone,” Donghyuk hazards. He’s gathered that much from what Jaemin and Jeno had said to Renjun at the dinner table. Jaemin looks pale as he shrugs his shoulders. 

“Of course I’m scared for Renjun,” he whispers. “But…. it’s more than that, I think. I’m jealous. I’m jealous that Renjun can look at this big, looming dread hanging over all of us and not freeze. I’m jealous he’s strong enough to make this time we have left matter. I’m jealous he gets to hold you, and kiss you, and make you smile. I never thought that was an option, it was just… It’s just too hard to think about. But he did, and he promised you something so beautiful. I wish I wasn’t so fucking weak, so I could do that for you too.” 

The confession is enough to have Jaemin’s fragile defenses crumbling. He curls up on himself, breath hitching as he buries his face into his knees. Donghyuk is too shell shocked to move. Jealous of  _ Renjun _ ? Not jealous of Donghyuk? It doesn’t make any sense, not with what he’s seen for the past few months, and not with what he heard from their fight earlier tonight. But Jaemin looks so broken, so honest where he’s bearing himself on Donghyuk’s unmade bed. 

“Jaemin, hey,” Donghyuk says gently. When he stands from the chair and moves to sit next to Jaemin on the bed the other boy doesn’t even flinch. He’s just crying to himself so quietly, so helplessly, and it makes tears well in Donghyuk’s eyes too. 

“No one’s asking you to do that Jaemin,” Donghyuk says seriously. “No one is forcing you to deal with this. I know it’s hard, I know it’s shocking, it’s okay to need some time. I’m not going to be mad at you for taking care of yourself the way you need to. You don’t need to take care of me if it hurts you, if you don’t want to. That doesn’t make you weak. we just all handle death differently.” 

Jaemin’s frame shivers and he uncurls enough to latch his hands onto Donghyuk’s. 

“I know you’re not forcing me, but I  _ want  _ to. Donghyuk I need you. I need you more than I ever thought possible. You’re like the star we all revolve around, the center of our universe. You’re what keeps us all going. Without you we’re  _ nothing _ . I’m nothing. You’re the best of us Hyukie. I just wanna be a part of your universe.” 

Dongyuk’s stomach tightens uncomfortably at how self-deprecating Jaemin’s words feel under the surface in their attempt to prop Donghyuk up. So he grabs Jaemin’s face in his hands and lifts Jaemin’s head until their eyes meet. 

“I am no star and you are no planet. You’re Na Jaemin, and you’re beautiful and kind and caring and patient. I’m glad I can be someone who you can rely on to make you feel stronger, but you are enough on your own. I promise you Jaemin, you’re stronger than you think you are.”

Jaemin shakes his head weakly, eyes uncertain.

“You’ve always been by my side, Hyukie. I don’t know who I am without you here. All of you, I guess, but it’s been you, me, Jeno and Renjun forever. It’s like we complete each other. Losing you is like losing a limb and I can’t take it Hyukie, I know I can’t.” 

Donghyuk shushes Jaemin, pulling him into his arms. He lets Jaemin bury his face in his shoulder, lets him cry into his shirt. It aches terribly, but he’s glad for the conversation all the same. Jaemin has been holding onto too much on his own. 

“What if I say… you don’t have to lose me,” Donghyuk whispers. Weak, so impulsive, that selfish little voice wriggling its way out into the worst situation. Jaemin’s crying quiets. 

“You said… You said you want to do what Renjun does. You want to be able to hold and kiss me. Right?” It’s a reach, but he can’t help the hope warming in his chest. 

“I…” Jaemin sounds so lost. “I do, I want more than anything to be that person for you like Renjun is.” 

Donghyuk bites his lip, heart pounding. 

“If that’s true Minnie, then I have to be selfish and ask you to please consider me that way. Because if you love me like you say you do, then I have a chance of being okay.” 

With Renjun it had been so much easier. His clever Junnie figured it out all on his own. But there’s no one who loves deeper than Jaemin, so he has to trust the other. 

“The reason I’m dying is because I have Hanahaki. It’s because I love you, and Renjun, and Jeno, that it got as bad as it is. With all three of you it’s too much on my body. But with Renjun now… It’s already a little better. So if you want to try, if you want to love me, then I think… I think I could be okay. I think it doesn’t have to be scary anymore.” 

Jaemin immediately pushes out of Donghyuk’s arms with wild eyes. 

“You- what?  _ What _ ?” Jaemin latches onto Donghyuk’s shoulders and shakes him.

“You  _ idiot _ , what is wrong with you? That’s something you tell us the minute you get sick! The first petal you saw you should have let us know. Why would you make yourself suffer this long? I can’t  _ believe  _ you!”

The laugh that leaves Jaemin’s lips is almost hysterical as he near-throttles Donghyuk. 

“I’m not as brave as you seem to think I am, Jaeminnie,” Donghyuk chuckles. Jaemin just shakes his head, eyes shining with overwhelming emotions. 

“Oh Donghyuk, darling, we didn’t have to hurt like this. But it doesn’t have to hurt anymore.” He cups Donghyuk’s face in his hands. “Renjun and I, we’re going to make you feel so loved. You’re going to be sick of me eventually, but I promise you Lee Donghyuk you’re going to have decades to deal with it. I can’t speak for Jeno yet, but I know you’re going to be okay. And you’re going to be the most adored man to walk this earth.” 

Donghyuk snorts and carefully places a hand over Jaemin’s where it rests on his own cheek.

“You’re so dramatic,” he laughs.

“And you’re beautiful. And I love you. And I’m going to make you better if it’s the last thing I do. How many kisses do you think it’ll take to chase those flowers out of your lungs?”

Donghyuk rolls his eyes as Jaemin puckers his lips, but he can feel his cheeks getting hot.

“How about you ask your boyfriend before going around kissing other boys?”

Jaemin pouts. “But it’s a matter of life and death, Donghyukie. It’s like giving someone CPR. Jeno can’t get mad about that.”

His long fingers drift to Donghyuk’s hair, nails scratching against his scalp. Donghyuk feels himself melting into the touch.

“You’re dangerous, Na,” Donghyuk breathes. Jaemin giggles and pulls Donghyuk’s face closer. Donghyuk’s heart stops, eyes unwillingly fall shut, and he jerks when he feels Jaemin’s lips against his cheek. 

“And yet you love me,” Jaemin whispers. And Donghyuk does. 

“We’re gonna have to talk later, by the way, about this attitude you have about yourself in this group. Not tonight, but at some point. Because you need to be told just how important you are to us, Jaemin.”

Jaemin’s smile slips, just a bit. But he nods, and it makes Donghyuk’s chest feel lighter. 

“I know. But let me focus on you now, please? It’ll make me feel better.”

How can Donghyuk deny them both that after the night they’ve had. 

“I can live with that. Do you wanna come feed me the rest of Kun’s cooking?”

“I think I saw Jungwoo digging through the bag before we came in here, so maybe I'll have to make you some ramen instead. But I’d be happy to feed you, my pretty baby bird.”

Jaemin presses a kiss to Donghyuk’s forehead before climbing out of bed, holding his hand out for Donghyuk to take.

Kun’s cooking tastes even sweeter when it’s Jaemin’s hand guiding it to his mouth.


End file.
